These questions were actually asked of various cruise ship pursers.
"Do you make your own electricity on board?"
"Why can't I get cable stations?"
"Are you the Captain?"
"Do you actually live on this ship?"
"Do these stairs go up or down?"
"Does the crew sleep on board?"
"Could you call the captain to stop the waves? I am getting seasick."
"I just saw the Captain in the dining room. Who is steering the ship?"
"Is the water in the toilets salty or fresh?"
"What time does the midnight buffet start?"
"What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
"Can you get these chips on land?" -- Referring to casino chips.
"Why is it so windy outside?" -- On a cruise liner traveling 30 miles per hour at the time.
"I see them!" -- The inevitable response from a member of the crowd whenever a casino dealer on a cruise liner played a favorite joke -- pointing out "penguins" on a "little piece of ice" during a cruise through Bermuda.
"So what is the elevation here?" -- On an Alaskan cruise.
"Why can't I find a USPO post box in town?" -- In Ocho Rios, Jamaica.
"I want to change cabins! I paid good money for this cruise, and all I can see is a rusted crane in the harbor!" -- Asked before leaving port.