Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Idle Ramblings

Here are a few things to think about that you might not have never thought about:

When does a crumb become a crumb? Is it the split second the fragment leaves the mass or once the fragment hits a solid surface? -- I've wondered about this since 3rd grade and I have no idea why.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


Travel Italy said...

You are too funny!

New York City's Watchdog said...

Ok... here is my attempt to relieve your mental torture:

Yes you can cry underwater... it just isn't obvious (afterall... laughing looks like crying without the tears)

They need to be a head of a political body. Therefore a Governor's assassination is equal to the assassination of the Leader of the Green Party

That extra penny is going to the cost of the actual processing of your thought to your mouth to their ears.

I hope not... because most of the time the clothes are all cut up in the back and then it would look like one really huge hospital.

Because round boxes don't stack nicely... for example look at that tower in Pisa... do you want your cheese all on one side of the box? I didn't think so.

Parasites... the same reason they were forbidden to be eaten in ancient religious law... because no one could cure them properly and thoroughly.

Because man has an infatuation with everything above and not enough below. For example... everyone talks about heaven... why not wonder if when you die do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity in hell... assuming they don't get burned off of course. Oh... and who came up with wheeled luggage... the Japanese... who are also infatuated with ruffled skirts... makes you wonder right?

Babies only wake up every two hours when they are underfed... which is often. 5 ounces will knock a baby out in a solid sleep for a good four hours... try it... you'll see.

Yes. It will be called a hearing because to do otherwise would be hearing impaired discrimination.

Your "IN" a movie because your with the "IN" crowd and traditionally can't be turned off. When your "ON" television... you can be turned off or tuned out at anytime... so you better make it good.

Because they're dumb. See the Empire State Building FAQ for more reasons.

Doctor's leave because while your changing they are seeing another patient... and while they are seeing you someone else is changing. They get paid per body and try to cram as many in as possible. Damn HMOs.

Kind of like why Iceland is green and Greenland is Ice. Send the man to where you want them to be... not where they are automatically attracted to. Kind of like false advertising.

Because toasters also belong to undecent human beings who will eat it. I happen to ahve a father who is one of them.

Why is there music at all? Because somewhere... in sometown... at sometime... someone did care... but like a good woman... denied they did.

No. Carpool lanes have specific speeds and the occupants must have pulses... at least in NY.

Uh duh... the boat was washed away by the second night... go watch the reruns... because after that first episode... you only see the boat in the intro.

Goofy and Pluto are actually not both dogs. Goofy is a hound... and Pluto is a mutt. Kind of like a human to a neanderthal... Royalty to a peasant... and so on.

Because he used an ACME credit card... the RoadKill Diner only takes cash.

I'm not biting this Baby Oil business... but I would assume it is corn oil and vegetable oil combined with whale sperm that would have been used to make babies had it not been sucked out by a pump and put into a bottle for the bald sicko watching the new Dove commercials.

Yes... they were written by the same person... Dr. Seuss... that unoriginal fuck.

An asteroid is made from ASTROLOGICAL matter... a hemorroid is from a HEMORRAGED vein... no one said these doctor's were smart except for how they double up on patients.

Oh hello... if a dog blew into YOUR face do you think the SMELL would beat the smell of fresh pine??? No... I didn't think so.

So... I hope I helped relieve you of any undue stress.