Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Today Just Hurts...

A month from today I'll have a birthday -- and I really hope that day is much better than today was. Doesn't it suck when you have a day that nothing seems to go right?

At the beginning of August I was assured something was a mere "3 weeks from being signed off on" and now 4 months later I find out that's not happening.

The boyfriend has his own issues and sometimes I just don't know how or if things will work out. All these vague references to "issues" but nothing actually said. I'm this type that believes action speaks louder than words so if you tell me you aren't calling someone but the Sprint bill says you are, that's not good. And you say you want to be with me but you aren't, that just reinforces it. If you try to push it the canned reply is "You need to make your own decisions" but how the hell are you supposed to do that when you can't even get any answers so you can make an educated decision. I hate the "what if" factor.

I was screamed at by my mother -- whom I've not seen in 3 years. Yet again I was reminded as to why I don't say anything to her other than "hello", "goodbye", "right", "yes", "no" because anything other than that and I'm screwed. I've been informed I will wind up alone since I've chosen to not get married, how I couldn't even take care of my dog so it's a damn good thing I've never had a kid, and on and on and on.

The boyfriend asks why I even answer her calls -- I tell him it's because I am a masochist in that area and I want it so horrifically awful that when I snap there will be no "what ifs". Speaks volumes doesn't it -- the stereotypical Capricorn that so much wants and craves some element of stability is royally screwed in that sector of life.

I hate the holidays -- all this "family" rhetoric -- it just hurts so much sometimes. I sometimes think I should just call it a day and find a way to get a job in Europe somewhere. Anywhere. Just get away from here.

There's really no reason why I shouldn't because there isn't anyone or anything holding me here.

2 comments:

Crazy Horse said...

The boyfriend comments really got my attention. The whole issues thing. Do they all read from the same playbook? That part about wants to be with you but isn't. Why do they feel they are so far more clever than the women in their lives? They have to feel that way cos they say nothing is up but the phone bills says otherwise. Then the "but we are just friends" comments start. I just want to scream "Dude, I'm not that stupid. Do you actually think I'm buying this?" But I don't. Maybe I will someday. God I love how they make it seem like what they do is never wrong.
This is why I am being nice to the hubby. He is sweet and kind and I never want to go out and be single again. Besides he builds cool bikes and he's cute.

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